Sunday, September 25, 2005

The Bible says that wives must submit to their husbands in everything...does this really mean everything?

No, this does not literally mean everything, because if it did, then the Bible would be contradicting itself and the word of God doesn’t do that. To begin with, this teaching comes from Ephesians 5:24 and reads (NLT) “As the church submits to Christ so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.” This scripture brings two concerns to the forefront that must be addressed. The first has to do with the question of whether or not everything really means everything. The second has to do with the directive for wives to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ. A very popular teaching has emerged in the church that interprets this type of submission to mean that the husband is the “spiritual” head of his wife and the “priest” of his home. I’ll give you my views on the second concern in the next issue of the magazine.
There are three instances in which a woman is under no obligation to submit to her husband. One of those instances is when a man asks his wife to do something that she knows is a sin. Acts 5:29 teaches us that “we must obey God rather than man” (NASB). The NLT puts it this way, “we must obey God rather than human authority.” So, if a husband’s demands violate God’s commands then the wife of that husband is not obligated to submit to those demands. She must instead, choose to obey God.
To cite a couple of examples, say for instance a man insists that he and his wife cheat on their income tax return. If he wants to cheat and they’re filing jointly, he can’t cheat without her cheating too. But God has commanded us to pay the government what we owe the government. We see this in the book of Matthew when looking at the account in which the Pharisees asked Jesus about paying taxes. The account is as follows: “Now tell us what you think about this: Is it right to pay taxes to the Roman government or not?” But Jesus knew their evil motives. “You hypocrites!” he said. “Whom are you trying to fool with your trick questions? Here, show me the Roman coin used for the tax.” When they handed him the coin, he asked, “Whose picture and title are stamped on it?” “Caesar’s,” they replied. “Well, then,” he said, “give to Caesar what belongs to him. But everything that belongs to God must be given to God.”
There’s no question from reading this account that cheating the federal government is a sin. So a wife would not be obligated to submit to her husband’s demand to cheat. We should also be reminded of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego whose accounts are found in the 3rd chapter of Daniel. All three of them refused to submit to the decree to bow down and worship a gold Statue. They were willing to lose their lives instead of submitting to an immoral directive. And after all was said and done, they were rewarded by God for doing what was right.
Another instance in which a woman is under no obligation to submit to her husband is when a man asks his wife to do something that she thinks is a sin. This is backed up by what Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 8:12 (NLT) which reads, “And you are sinning against Christ when you sin against other Christians by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong.” In the 14th chapter of Romans, Paul further emphasizes his point with his discussion about Christians who believe it is a sin to eat certain foods. Verses 14 and 22-23 bring the point home: “I know and am perfectly sure on the authority of the Lord Jesus that no food, in and of itself, is wrong to eat. But if someone believes it is wrong, then for that person it is wrong.” “You may have the faith to believe that there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. Blessed are those who do not condemn themselves by doing something they know is right. But if people have doubts about whether they should eat something, they shouldn’t eat it. They would be condemned for not acting in faith before God. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.” The scriptures speak for themselves here. If a man asks his wife to do something that she thinks is a sin, even though it might not really be a sin, then she is under no obligation to submit to her husband in this case, because for her…it is a sin.
One final instance in which a woman is under no obligation to submit to her husband is when a man asks his wife to do something that impedes her from going forth in the ministry that God has called her to. As Christians, all of us have at least one spiritual gift that we should be using to further the Kingdom of God. This is pointed out in Romans 12:4-8 which says, “Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are all parts of his one body, and each of us has different work to do. And since we are all one body in Christ, we belong to each other, and each of us needs all the others. God has given each of us the ability to do certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out when you have faith that God is speaking through you. If your gift is that of serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, do a good job of teaching. If your gift is to encourage others, do it! If you have money, share it generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly” (NLT). Married Christian women are just as obligated to abide by what Paul was teaching here as any other Christian.
There’s no doubt about it, we have all been commanded by God to use the gifts he has given us and to go forth in the ministry that God has assigned us to. Therefore, if a woman finds herself in a situation where her husband, is in some way, trying control, limit, or discourage her, in the ministry that the Lord has given her, then she must still go forth in her ministry, despite her husband’s objections. Again, it is better to obey God rather than man. Husbands are not exempt from being part of the definition of “man.” We must remember that when Joseph found out that Mary was pregnant with Jesus, he initially didn’t support her in the assignment that God had given her. He instead was going to divorce her. God had assigned Mary to be the one who would give birth to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Apparently Joseph initially didn’t believe what was happening and it took an intervention from God to change Joseph around. But even if God had not intervened, Mary was still obligated to God to complete her assignment, with or without Joseph.
I remember sitting in church one day several years back, and the assistant pastor gave mention to the fact that the senior pastor’s wife was called to preach but that she did not preach because she did not want to compete with her husband. The assistant pastor complimented and applauded her for this and encouraged the congregation to applaud her as well. So the entire congregation applauded. I applauded too but after I returned home from service that day, I thought about it and it has stayed with me even until now. The pastor’s wife was praised for not going forth in a ministry (because of her husband’s insecurities) that the Lord had given her. However, if she had insisted on preaching, although she might have been condemned in this particular church for doing so, she would not have been spiritually or morally wrong to use her gift despite her husband’s objections. She should have obeyed God rather than her husband and gone forth with her ministry, even if it might have meant loosing her husband. But she was brainwashed by this particular spiritually oppressive teaching in the church as were all the women who were there at the time, including me.
Well, there you have it…three instances in which a woman is not obligated to submit to her husband. It would be good for preachers and teachers to talk about these three instances when they broach the subject of submission. Sermons and lessons on submission in the church are often times delivered one-sidedly and many of the scriptures that address submission are often exploited. These three exceptions to a wife submitting to her husband are rarely explored, which is why I have taken the liberty to explore them with you.
I would like to know what you think. Please feel free to post your thoughts on this subject. Just click the comment button and it'll take you to where you need to be. Also, if you’d like to learn more about me and the books that I have written, please feel to visit my website at www.elretadodds.com.
Copyright Elreta Dodds 2005

2 comments:

Jocelyn Andersen said...

Hi Elreta,

I just read your comments on the three instances a woman is not obligated to submit to her husband.

What are your thoughts concerning a situation where the husband is demanding submission simply to assert his authority or he asks his wife to do something because he is too lazy to do it himself? For example, he is not asking her to sin but he is insisting she be "obedient" because he's the head of the house.

I'm not pulling scenarios out of my hat I promise.

I had a pastor once who told the entire church that if he woke up at 3am and wanted a fried egg sandwich, and asked his wife to get up and make him one, she was required by scripture to comply.

Do you agree with him, or would that fall under other circumstances like abuse or borderline abuse?

Anonymous said...

Hi Jocelyn,
Below is a copy of my response to you that I submitted as an article for your on-line magazine:

This kind of thing is most definitely abuse; it is not only emotional/psychological spousal abuse but it is an abuse of the application of the scripture. I believe that Ephesians 5:22 is the most misused scripture in the Bible. It has been misused by many men to oppress women, exploit women, and to satisfy their own perversions at the expense of women. The command for women to submit to their husbands was never meant to be used as a weapon against women to strip away their dignity and self respect. A man who wakes his wife up from her slumber at 3:00 in the morning to insist that she cook him a fried egg sandwich, just because he can, is abusing his position of authority in the home and using the scriptures in a perverted and exploitive way to exercise unnecessary power and control over his wife. There are men who abuse their power of authority in the home for the thrill of it simply because they can. Such a thing is akin to emotional sadism.
Unfortunately, the answer to Jocelyn’s question is this: unless the wife in her scenario feels that it is a sin to make a fried egg sandwich at 3:00 in the morning and unless doing so somehow hinders her from the ministry that God has assigned her to; she would unfortunately be obligated to get up and prepare the sandwich. But here’s the flip side to that: in asking her to do this thing; her husband would actually be sinning against God himself because Ephesians 5:25-29 says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds as cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body.” The word for “love” here is the Greek word agape` which is the unconditional love described in 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 which teaches that “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Now if a man insists that his wife get up from her good night’s sleep at 3:00 in the morning in order to cook him a fried egg sandwich then he is not loving his wife as Christ loved the church. He is just as guilty of not following the biblical standards of how he is to treat his wife as his wife would be if she doesn’t get up and make the sandwich. He’s just as wrong for asking her to do something like this as she would be not to do it. If love is kind then a man certainly shouldn’t wake his wife up in the middle of the night to insist that she make him a sandwich. Where is the kindness in that? If love is not rude then a man certainly shouldn’t wake his wife up in the middle of the night to insist she make him a sandwich. To do so is unquestionably rude indeed. If a man is to care for his wife’s body like he cares for his own body then he certainly shouldn’t wake his wife up in the middle of the night to insist that she make him a sandwich because surely he wouldn’t want to be awakened out of his slumber in the middle of the night for something as insignificant as making a sandwich. If love is not self-seeking then a man certainly shouldn’t wake his wife up in the middle of the night to insist that she make him a sandwich because by doing so, he’d be putting his interests ahead of hers. He’d be putting his desire to be catered to and to get fed above his wife’s need for sleep. Self-seekers put their own wants and needs before the wants and needs of others. So, what kind of love is this in which a person puts himself first before considering another? Certainly not the kind of love that the Bible teaches that a man should display to his wife.
The Bible teaches men to love their wives and to present their wives as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish. A wife is not going to be very radiant if she’s sleep-deprived. Also, the scripture says that a man should present his wife without blemish. In other words, any kind of physical abuse is totally out of the question. And to take my point a step further; 1st Peter 3:7 teaches that if a man dishonors his wife, his prayers will be hindered. It reads, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” It would be inconsiderate, disrespectful, and dishonorable for a man to wake his wife up in the middle of the night to insist that she make a fried egg sandwich. Not only would it be inconsiderate, disrespectful, dishonorable, unloving, unkind, rude, and self-seeking, but it would also hinder his prayers. In other words, when a man mistreats his wife then he is “acting ugly” toward his wife and “God don’t like ugly.” Consequently, when a man mistreats his wife he loses a certain connection with God because, according to what the passage in the book of Peter says, God stops listening to the prayers of a man who dishonors his wife in any way.
The church has a tendency to maximize the passage scripture that commands women to submit to their husbands while minimizing the passage of scripture that commands men to love their wives as Christ loved the church. The church puts more emphasis on wives submitting and teaches women that they have more of a responsibility to submit to their husbands than men have to love their wives. But when we look at what the Bible says about love; we see the greatest commandment is that we love the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, and mind and then the second greatest commandment is that we love our neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:37-38). The greatest command therefore is to love, no to submit. Therefore; when it comes to women submitting to their husbands as opposed to men loving their wives; it is the husband, not the wife that has the greater command.
So, going back to Jocelyn’s scenario; I’d like to stress that it is a sin for a man to mistreat his wife to a point where he would disrespect her and dishonor her by waking her up in the middle of the night (unless there was some kind of reasonable extenuating circumstance) to demand that she cook a fried egg sandwich (or for that matter, by asking her to do anything which is unreasonable and inconsiderate). A man is not going to keep his marriage together by behaving in such an unloving, unreasonable, and thoughtless manner. If the church would emphasize men loving their wives (in the detail that I have in this article) as much as it emphasizes women submitting to their husbands, there would be a significant decline in Christian divorces. Let’s pray for a change.

--Elreta.