Hi Jocelyn,Below is a copy of my response to you t...

2008-07-12T09:12:00.000-04:00

Hi Jocelyn,
Below is a copy of my response to you that I submitted as an article for your on-line magazine:

This kind of thing is most definitely abuse; it is not only emotional/psychological spousal abuse but it is an abuse of the application of the scripture. I believe that Ephesians 5:22 is the most misused scripture in the Bible. It has been misused by many men to oppress women, exploit women, and to satisfy their own perversions at the expense of women. The command for women to submit to their husbands was never meant to be used as a weapon against women to strip away their dignity and self respect. A man who wakes his wife up from her slumber at 3:00 in the morning to insist that she cook him a fried egg sandwich, just because he can, is abusing his position of authority in the home and using the scriptures in a perverted and exploitive way to exercise unnecessary power and control over his wife. There are men who abuse their power of authority in the home for the thrill of it simply because they can. Such a thing is akin to emotional sadism.
Unfortunately, the answer to Jocelyn’s question is this: unless the wife in her scenario feels that it is a sin to make a fried egg sandwich at 3:00 in the morning and unless doing so somehow hinders her from the ministry that God has assigned her to; she would unfortunately be obligated to get up and prepare the sandwich. But here’s the flip side to that: in asking her to do this thing; her husband would actually be sinning against God himself because Ephesians 5:25-29 says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds as cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body.” The word for “love” here is the Greek word agape` which is the unconditional love described in 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 which teaches that “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
Now if a man insists that his wife get up from her good night’s sleep at 3:00 in the morning in order to cook him a fried egg sandwich then he is not loving his wife as Christ loved the church. He is just as guilty of not following the biblical standards of how he is to treat his wife as his wife would be if she doesn’t get up and make the sandwich. He’s just as wrong for asking her to do something like this as she would be not to do it. If love is kind then a man certainly shouldn’t wake his wife up in the middle of the night to insist that she make him a sandwich. Where is the kindness in that? If love is not rude then a man certainly shouldn’t wake his wife up in the middle of the night to insist she make him a sandwich. To do so is unquestionably rude indeed. If a man is to care for his wife’s body like he cares for his own body then he certainly shouldn’t wake his wife up in the middle of the night to insist that she make him a sandwich because surely he wouldn’t want to be awakened out of his slumber in the middle of the night for something as insignificant as making a sandwich. If love is not self-seeking then a man certainly shouldn’t wake his wife up in the middle of the night to insist that she make him a sandwich because by doing so, he’d be putting his interests ahead of hers. He’d be putting his desire to be catered to and to get fed above his wife’s need for sleep. Self-seekers put their own wants and needs before the wants and needs of others. So, what kind of love is this in which a person puts himself first before considering another? Certainly not the kind of love that the Bible teaches that a man should display to his wife.
The Bible teaches men to love their wives and to present their wives as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish. A wife is not going to be very radiant if she’s sleep-deprived. Also, the scripture says that a man should present his wife without blemish. In other words, any kind of physical abuse is totally out of the question. And to take my point a step further; 1st Peter 3:7 teaches that if a man dishonors his wife, his prayers will be hindered. It reads, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” It would be inconsiderate, disrespectful, and dishonorable for a man to wake his wife up in the middle of the night to insist that she make a fried egg sandwich. Not only would it be inconsiderate, disrespectful, dishonorable, unloving, unkind, rude, and self-seeking, but it would also hinder his prayers. In other words, when a man mistreats his wife then he is “acting ugly” toward his wife and “God don’t like ugly.” Consequently, when a man mistreats his wife he loses a certain connection with God because, according to what the passage in the book of Peter says, God stops listening to the prayers of a man who dishonors his wife in any way.
The church has a tendency to maximize the passage scripture that commands women to submit to their husbands while minimizing the passage of scripture that commands men to love their wives as Christ loved the church. The church puts more emphasis on wives submitting and teaches women that they have more of a responsibility to submit to their husbands than men have to love their wives. But when we look at what the Bible says about love; we see the greatest commandment is that we love the Lord our God with all of our heart, soul, and mind and then the second greatest commandment is that we love our neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:37-38). The greatest command therefore is to love, no to submit. Therefore; when it comes to women submitting to their husbands as opposed to men loving their wives; it is the husband, not the wife that has the greater command.
So, going back to Jocelyn’s scenario; I’d like to stress that it is a sin for a man to mistreat his wife to a point where he would disrespect her and dishonor her by waking her up in the middle of the night (unless there was some kind of reasonable extenuating circumstance) to demand that she cook a fried egg sandwich (or for that matter, by asking her to do anything which is unreasonable and inconsiderate). A man is not going to keep his marriage together by behaving in such an unloving, unreasonable, and thoughtless manner. If the church would emphasize men loving their wives (in the detail that I have in this article) as much as it emphasizes women submitting to their husbands, there would be a significant decline in Christian divorces. Let’s pray for a change.

--Elreta.

Hi Elreta, I just read your comments on the three ...

2006-04-06T14:34:00.000-04:00

Hi Elreta,

I just read your comments on the three instances a woman is not obligated to submit to her husband.

What are your thoughts concerning a situation where the husband is demanding submission simply to assert his authority or he asks his wife to do something because he is too lazy to do it himself? For example, he is not asking her to sin but he is insisting she be "obedient" because he's the head of the house.

I'm not pulling scenarios out of my hat I promise.

I had a pastor once who told the entire church that if he woke up at 3am and wanted a fried egg sandwich, and asked his wife to get up and make him one, she was required by scripture to comply.

Do you agree with him, or would that fall under other circumstances like abuse or borderline abuse?

Comments on The Church, The Bible, and Women: The Bible says that wives must submit to their hus...

Hi Jocelyn,Below is a copy of my response to you t...

Hi Elreta, I just read your comments on the three ...